Hard To See You Go, My Love

I haven't finished journaling August and especially my tribute to my now 15 year old Dallin but I was just pondering and wanted to write down my thoughts before they are lost or I'm distracted. I don't even need to tell you the thousand things that distract around here.
Sometimes it can be so hard to have our lives so uncertain. Travel for Orbital Sciences is unlike anything I could have imagined up to now. I used to think that the hardest days for me were when Wes was away at night for Church callings 4 days a week and I had to do the bedtime routine myself, get kids ready for church and get less sleep to even have time to talk to him in a day. Now, I live for a few minutes at the end of his frazzled days in CA and my frustrating ones here to just connect before he's off to bed or homework because he gets up at 5:30am "in the field" and is so tired by the time I get to talk to him. It's hard to summarize the events of a single day in mere minutes. The adventures here are so many and so complex that often he comes home and I think he knows just what's happened and really he's missed so much. The hardest is the kids big events. Also when I talked in Sacrament for the first time in 7 1/2 years last week and he was in CA. Dallin took Ben for me or we wouldn't have made it! I already documented the first week of school and we know how that went with him gone.
I know it is so heart-wrenching, for him as well, to leave, and yesterday Josh told me he really misses his Dad. This was on the week that he's here. That's what makes this so hard. This is because Wes is in school and gone so much even when he's not in CA. I know he needs to finish school and feels that this is how we will finally get out of debt so this is the path we are on. Wes leaves again tomorrow Mon.-Sun. this week. I feel so lost when he's gone and it makes me feel so anxious just to think of how I'll survive without him each time he goes. The trips longer than a week seem the most difficult to handle but if it's during the school week it does go much faster. Weekends are miserable and drag on without him.
We are going through some tough personal struggles with our children and I don't have the strength on my own to get through this. So many Dr.s, appointments, insurance issues and daily challenges with this. I will have to be on my knees so much more this week. Sometimes I wonder if that is how my Heavenly Father teaches me. He gives me just more than I can handle alone, sends Wes away for a while and lets me struggle until I remember Him and turn to Him. Maybe I'll eventually get this right and remember He's there sooner.
So enough of my pity party, some days I just feel down and I wanted to write it down so I can see the difference of the good days. I know the Lord sustains me and I am blessed with an awesome circle of friends who I know I can turn to for anything I need, especially when he's gone. Girls Night Out is definitely sanity for me on those long trips. I am blessed with wonderful children and an amazing husband and we'll make it through these tough times together.