As I sit here I feel like a bad Mom. I know we all have moments we do better than others and I know we get stressed out but it was just too much yesterday. I truly need our Savior to rescue me. Let me back up... I'm trying to document what's going on with our Brookly.
For over a week now we have been trying to understand and help our sweet Brookly figure out what's happening to her. She began coming home from school very upset about a situation in Math, where the desks are right next to each other instead of spaced out, and she saw an answer on a test. She went and told the teacher but still didn't feel right about it. This escalated to every day obsessing about seeing other kids papers while working on homework and not writing down the answers she had worked out because she saw it on her neighbors paper while getting help on it or while helping someone else. The teacher was gone for a week at a funeral an in the meantime Brookly became overwhelmed with racing thoughts of every conceived thing she has EVER thought or done wrong in her entire life. She has an excessive guilt that made her unable to function. She also has extreme anxiety and is second guessing everything she says and saying she might have exaggerated what she just said. She said she feels crazy and sometimes she hears a voice tell her to hold her breath. She said she's done that when she was in her room and really angry at us for getting in trouble. Wes gave her a blessing and it seemed to get worse.
Wed Sept. 14, We took her to Bishop Hyde after missing school. She sits in my arms and shakes and cries as she perfectly recalls things she feels are awful that are really things we all have happen or think and just have to get rid of. Bishop assured her she is clean and talked about the Sacrament and how the Miracle of the Atonement is that we are forgiven and completely clean. He counseled her to say a prayer if she remembers something she feels she hasn't repented of but that she is clean. There is no comforting her when she's in this state.
Thursday 15th, I got her in to Gilbert Pediatrics. The Nurse, Melani, suggested a psychologist and told us to try the Bach Flower remedies. Melani was wonderful with Brookly and reassured her that she will feel in control again. Melani called the Dr Kingsley directly and he ordered prozac but we want to wait on that and avoid if possible. We got Rescue Remedy and Pine for nervous tension and emotional health. I'm also having her use essential oils. Balance and lavendar and Citrus Bliss seem to help. She didn't notice a difference on Wed night but after home again on Thursday and feeling guilt for being home and telling herself that she was making herself feel this way to stay home I made an appointment with her school counselor Ms. Ramirez. Ms. Ramirez saw us on Fri morning and was very helpful.
Friday 16th: Brookly saw Ms. Ramirez and learned about the bucket story and how to fill her bucket. She got a permanent pass to go in if ever she feels she needs rescued. We switched her out of 2 of her Honors classes-including the Math that was so overwhelming. She is still in 2 Honors classes, 2 regular classes and Advanced Orchestra and Adv Choir. She wanted to stay in those and so I began email with teachers. She went to counselor once during Language Arts and was able to gain control and go back to class.
She had a few mild episodes over the weekend but seemed happier and then school came again.
Monday 19th: She went to counselor again in Language Arts but he said he'd move her by a friend and she liked that. She was worried at home though that those desks by her are too close and the teacher fixed that. I left all afternoon to take Dallin for follow up and Dr felt he has activity induced asthma. Gave him an inhaler to try before he runs. I ran to Costco.
Tuesday 20th: Brookly had a great day and didn't go to the counselor. Seemed happy and more in control today until I got stressed out in the evening. I had been run ragged all day and had not sat down or been home due to all afternoon with Josh because he had a half day and I gave up a birthday lunch with friends to spend time with him when I realized he'd be home alone, we had a great time at Panda and ice cream:) lost mouthguard so quick run to Walmart on the way to away game, Fball game for Brennen away, Wes had mutual, I ran to Walmart for the stuff for hair bows we are making, barely got kids dinner at 7pm and then said let's play a game after they got ready for bed. Sounds harmless but the kids didn't tell me they weren't done with homework and the house was a wreck. I spent an hour doing dishes and working on the kitchen and barely scratched the surface. I realize now I just tried to fit too much in and shouldn't have tried the game as well. Anyway, at scriptures with Brennen upstairs doing homework, Brookly, Jarom and Ben and I finished and I told them to go to bed. IT was about 8:30pm. Instantly I heard that Ben needed 15 minutes reading, Brookly hadn't practiced violin yet, Jarom needed pictures that were due Monday because he's Star Student this week (mind you this is Tues night) Dallin was at a Cross Country dinner, Josh and Wes at Scouts, Brennen upstairs, and I told Brookly to practice in her room and she brought out her violin to the living room. It was too much noise and stress and I just yelled at them all to go to bed. Well, Brookly was the one in the same room as me at the time and she began crying and sobbing on her bed. Wes got home and I tried to explain the situation and then went in to Brookly to apologize and hold her. She had come out for me to hear her practice and I felt like dirt. Some days I just can't be everything for everyone. Dallin also handed me his important iorder info for graduation announcements/ cap/gown.etc with 5 minutes notice as I was taking Brookly to school this morning. Did I mention that I now take Brookly because she hates the cussing and ba stuff on the bus? She does ride home. So Dallin had to do it online this evening becaus of his lack of planning and he announced that all we do is criticize him and that's why he doesn't like to come home. He has kept himself completely unattached to our new life and made sure we know it.
Wed 21st: It's a new day. Brookly was a little out of sorts before school with nervousness of more tests and did go to the counselor during Language Arts. The counselor, Ms. Ramirez , told her she needs more help than Ms. Ramirez knows how to give. We do have an appointment Tues with a counselor close to home and Wed with a psychologist in Mesa, Dr. Kingsley. It is all new territory and as we go some days are just harder than others.
Thurs. 22nd: Had to email teachers and didn't think she'd make it to school. Had a meltdown over test in 1st hour. She was late but went and didn't need the counselor at school. She came home and swam and did her homework before I left for volleyball.
Fri 23rd: Wes and I needed to go to a funeral this morning for Brother Shupe and had to get the kids off. Brookly needed to "confess" a few things to me but seemed generally in good spirits since I told her I'd be home before she got home. 1/2 day for Legacy so 3 boys are already home. I'm researching Child Psychiatrists. She seems to like the herbs and oils and uses them at school and home. They don't stop the racing thoughts. I got a call while at the funeral that a spot opened up for her at Legacy. Not sure what to do there now. I'll let her choose. It's day by day.
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